May 11, 2016

A Letter To My Future Self IV

Again, because sooner than you think you will forget.

Having a blog is great. Sometimes I read back through old posts and in doing so I see that I tend to paint a rose colored picture. Not on purpose- but I'm motivated when things are going well and I want to remember those good days.

This season is thick with blessings and challenges. I'm overall exhausted, stretched thin and feeling like a failure. All while it's the best time ever. You know.. contradictions.

The other night after a long blur of a day, complete with a chaotic supper where the baby grunted and screamed, the 2 year old disobeyed non stop and the 4 year old interupted the entire time. We got them down and found ourselves sitting in the dark in the living room and I think I may have been a little...I don't know.. despondent.

Jacob lovingly said that he thought that maybe, perhaps I had been a little, it is quite possible.. depressed. For maybe... possibly.. the last five years.

And the thing is I know I'm not. I'm just knee deep in the heavy days of mothering where I don't know where I fit. Where flossing and washing my hair feel like selfish endeavors and where leaving my kids even with people I love and trust riddles me with guilt- not that I'm leaving them but that I am making other people word so hard with the constant crazies of it all.

So we-- I -- have known for a while that I need a change. That I need more "self care". Today I hired a sitter and went and got a hair cut and feel better than I have in a long time.

But future you- I want you to remember what this season is like.

The sweetness of a 2 year old with bottom lip jutted out and crying at a perceived slight, comes and nuzzles into you for comfort. Claire with her progressively long and lean body wants to much to give the right answers, and help mother but still wants to occasionally be treated like a baby and rocked or  to climb up in my lap.

For the past month every person in our home has slept through the night (mostly). This is huge. Sophie has more or less potty trained (... mostly...) and (mostly) stays in her bed at bedtime after we took away her nap.

Mornings are slow for us and start around 7:30 and sometimes the girls even giggle and play in their room for a bit. We do a slow breakfast and I am trying to incorporate doing "chores" first thing. Getting dressed.. brushing teeth.. reading our Bible (they sit and look at a picture Bible), and picking up their room.

Then I tell them if they've picked up everything I will turn on the tv. This normally puts off tv for some hours. During which time I say, "Let's check the eggs in the nest!" or "Let's look at your flowers!" Or "Let's feed the dogs!" and I get them outside and withint 30 seconds they have gone different directions and are playing.

These are days though of constant chaos. Mainly centered around the stage Sophie is in... She takes off all of her clothes, she sneaks into our bathroom and eats so much toothpaste we have to call poison control, she cranks the sprinkler so high the water is shooting into the neighbor's yard and Claire is yelling because it got her in the eye, Sophie is constantly naked, eating dog food or trying to bend the dog's tail... Isaac is in that little sweet spot where he grunts and yells to communicate and will nod emphatically when asked if he's hungry. He will try to eat most anything and JUSt started taking a bottle (with a slit top so water comes out faster).

The girls bicker on occasion but mainly love each other. They've just started sitting and Claire "reads" multiple books to Sophie. Our new normal stop is the library for about 15 minutes then we come home and read all of the "new" books.

No naps anymore.. isaac ideally naps twice but sometimes because of our schedule he only gets one.
WE are trying "big girl quiet" time which consists of sophie in the girl's room playing wildly and loudly banging dolls against the doll house etc. and Claire in our room in a nest of pillows on our bed- looking in her treasure bag (aka- choking hazards we put up high away from the baby/Sophie) and doing puzzles.

Honestly we watch Wild Krattz every afternoon.

It doesn't even sound all that bad... But I know that in this season more often than naught my texts to friends are SOS cries of desperation and pleading for connection. I'm normally feeling like a constant failure and unsure of how to proceed. I think most of it boils down to losing myself, letting myself go and needing time for myself.  And honestly- I don't want to forget this...


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