In this season of life and in this season of motherhood I want to pause for a moment and be candid.
If not for you my friend, then for myself so I can look back and remember. So I can look back and see clearly if I was crazy or if I have changed etc.
But this season of washing dishes, wiping bottoms, counting pennies and missing sleep is special and wonderful and.. hard. Oh so very hard.
I end most days feeling overwhelmed and scared. I feel like I can never catch up with life. Like the floor will never stay clean, my hair will never stay brushed. I can't accomplish projects, and my to-do lists grow and grow and I feel like day after day I sink a little deeper in the "not dones" and the "still to dos" and the deep vat of comparison.
You know the comparison right? For me it's that other moms have magazine perfectly clean homes, thin legs, work outside of the home and they don't seem to be as frustrated. I'm the mom who invites someone over and as they pull up in the drive way, I stir with one hand, give a dirty look to the disobeying child with another as I lunge to wipe crumbs off the table to make it all look less.... Less disgusting, less uninhabitable, less like I'm sinking deeper into the vat of "not dones".
Today I woke up and lay in the stillness listening to two girls bounce off of walls and giggle and in another corner of the house a little boy grunting and kicking. As I stared at the ceiling and thought of what I had to do I realized at that exact moment I did NOT feel overwhelmed and anxious.
I wondered at it for just a moment... It was just me. Feeling rested yet sleepy, and just.. breathing. Still. Calm.
No overwhelming, tingling, jittery nerves.
I moved to the baby's room and as I nursed him I thought of the reason.
Much of this season of life for me is thwarted.
My plans to accomplish one small thing (today my big goal is to look over a gym contract.. but good luck with that mom of 3), are constantly thwarted.
And as plan after plan after plan get thwarted the electrifying current of frustration grows and zings its way through my body and heart til I feel like I could just melt into a puddle of angry tears.
The truth is the gospel will only be as evident and active in my life as I apply it.
The truth is, all of my frustrations come from an idolatry deep in my heart.. a not trusting Jesus alone for my hope and salvation.
There is hope. This is a season.
But for the record.. it's just how I feel.