August 9, 2015

I thought I was more...

but I'm not.

I thought I could accomplish anything in the wild idealism of youth.

but I can't.

I thought I could be inspirational, outstandingly talented, and successful...

but I'm not.

I thought I could be paid to do things I love, when I wanted and for as long as I wanted...

but I'm not.

I'm not extremely talented, or able, or "more" anything than anyone else in the world.

It's a tough pill to swallow.

In the slow years of adulthood where this truth has settled cold and hard in my stomach I have come to find instead what I am.

I am flawed, broken, lazy and often sad. 

I lose hope, doubt and get mad. 

I get lonely and pensive, longing for the past and worried about the future...

But more importantly there are "I am"s that I have found.. that surprise me and settle deep.

I am some little girl's entire world. 

I am more exciting than a park, or a movie or a new toy. 

My eyes, my attention, and my affirmation are like gold...

They are balm to heal her broken heart, scared feelings and to dry her little tears.

My hug is a warm comfort that eases any sorrow.

I am attentive.

At 3 am when a nightmare hits and a shrill shriek pierces the air, even I, the heavy sleeping night owl, am awake in a heart beat with adrenaline pumping as I lunge across the hall and scoop up a little warm body in my arms.

I whisper to her instinctively, "It's okay, I'm here. You're not alone. You're not alone. Mommy is here."

Her breathing slows and her body relaxes against mine.

I am needed.

I am loved.

I am enough.... 


Stace said...

Beautiful. I'm loving all your posts lately. Perhaps because I'm in the same season of life.

The Reeds said...

Thanks Stacy. It is quite the season too isn't it? i still feel like we're babies but we're masquerading in the role of adult.

Allison Hunwick said...

so good....i'm being humbled with age as well....but about to become everything to a little one. and in that, i am enough. thank you friend.

The Reeds said...

Oh Ali I am so excited for you. You will be such an amazing mother.

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