Sometimes comparison eats you alive. A parasite that can hide sucking away at your inner hope and confidence.
Today at the park I sat in the cool shade jostling an overtired baby. The girls ran manically from the slide to the merry go round, happy to be out of the house.
I was tired. I was hot.
I am overweight. I am more often than naught overwhelmed and under productive (except for breast milk... I am very productive in breast milk making).
I had rolled out of bed tired to face eager, rambunctious faces ready to start the day. We moved straight from bed and morning routines to the park, impressed just to get out. My fresh yoga pants my only move toward hygiene for the day.
The young tan mom balancing on the merry go round was a sight to behold. Playing a game of tag with her happy blonde children. Leaping off of the merry go round laughing and saying, "Gotcha!" to at first one, then two, then three children. The other two happy blonde children huffed over laughing as they lay languidly on the merry go round while the mom began to push them.
They were a spinning blonde whir of laughter. Five tanned lithe bodies with smiling faces and cute clothes.
Just like that she called for them to all go to the car and gather their scooters and the happy little faces tripped off gathering bikes, skateboards and scooters while talking to one another animatedly.
We exchanged polite chit chat and said good bye as they all loaded in.
Oh comparison. You ugly little devil.
What comparison does is it tells you a lie and makes something seem to be what it is not, what nothing can be; which is perfect.
It paints things to be one dimensional. It lies and licks away at your ability to love yourself or others well.
Ultimately, it isn't humility but rather a false pride that sets others up only to tear yourself down in a way that makes you unable to move forward, much less love others where they really are.
It doesn't show the humanity in a person; the struggle with loneliness, infertility, anger and more.
Comparison leaches away at the deep reserve of confidence in motherhood and life.
But facing it head on- kills it.