June 16, 2015

Flash Floods and Grace

Today I nursed and held a little squishy bundle of boy until at last he slept soundly.

I cleaned and barely noticed the grey skies then the torrential rain.

Before I knew it the curbs disappeared and rain water covered our driveway and made little brown waves when cars dared to venture past.

It was shocking and unexpected.

Yesterday was going well and then... I spun out of control. Raw emotion like kindling waiting to be ignited.

Shocking and unexpected.

I'm tired. So tired and sleep deprived.

At first I tried to pass it all off and the baby slept a bit better at the beginning (they trick you those wee ones). But as time has passed I repeat questions and forget things and can't even remember half of the time what we have named the baby. (Isaac... we named him Isaac...)

I barely shower and as soon as I do I get peed on and thrown up on...

Meanwhile the older children are busy being children.

Taking off their diapers, peeing on the carpet and desperately seeking attention. Touching what they shouldn't, climbing on tables, begging me to play again and again. They're waking up at night, giggling well past dark, and bouncing up full of joy with the sun.

All the while my body is expanded, broken, covered in spit up and exhausted.

Just as the rainwater was high before I even took notice, so too my patience was too short...

I snapped at the children and made both of them cry. I scared them with my anger in my desperation for just. one. little. nap.

And I write it.

I write it here because there is a silence in motherhood that I find deafening and disheartening. When mothers will whisper a desperate "Me too!" when someone confesses how hard their day or season has become because so often we're shocked by our own raw feelings and the shame of not being perfect at motherhood.

Oh mommy friends... you are not alone.

Jacob pauses kindly and listens with concern as I confess this brokenness. I confess my awful mothering and how this season of life manages to be the most beautiful of all while also breaking me down.

I worry about the children and if they will remember any of the good amidst the hard mothering days.

And he reminds me of grace...

Grace for myself and my children.

Grace as a lesson we are teaching them.. that people will all let us down and we are in a constant state of offering grace.

Even to mommies.

Even to ourselves.

I pull my little girl to me and hug her after I've asked for forgiveness for my short temper and unkind words.

In the morning I approach the breakfast table and am greeted with a fresh start.

A simple, "Mommy!" full of joy and with no condemnation.

I am flooded with gratitude for grace...


Mike and Emily said...

whew, oh my goodness. You sure know how to make me cry. This is just so beautiful, Georgia. I agree this season is the most special while at the same time very trying. It seems to get the edges of both extremes. Thank you for putting it so beautifully into words! PS: I should never read your posts while at school.
The crying-PhD-wanna-be

The Reeds said...

Thanks for the comment Emily. Parenthood is so challenging!! I'm glad to have the hope of grace and faith to lean on that's for sure.

Mana Laura said...

I screamed at my boys last night. I think a little spit even came out. So horrible and awful and unjustified and embarrassing and - did everyone on the entire center hear me?!? - shameful. It was the proverbial straw that sparked it and a small straw it was. The boys just stood there shell-shocked and looking at me like I was from outer space. But today was a new day and although when they first saw me, they were a bit wary (what's she going to do now?) they quickly saw my mood was better and rushed in for hugs and kisses and love. I'm reading your last few posts and thinking "thank God it isn't only me" while wishing we both could get past this! Saying a prayer for you Georgia!

The Reeds said...

Oh Laura, I can only imagine with so many little people relying on you and less conveniences all around. Thank you for your words! To know I am not alone and that yes.. there really really is grace. Whew. Big exhale. I'm praying for you and am just sure this sanctification will lead to something beautiful!

Mana Laura said...

Thanks Georgia. It always feels a bit perverse to be glad to discover we're not alone in our failings but it certainly is reassuring. It also helps me have that big exhale and pick myself up and say, come on, you can do this! (and when I can't, there is that grace!) Thankfully.
Hey, on another note, you are using blogger. Do you write your posts online? Or use some kind of offline editor? I have always used Windows Live Writer (offline) and it's suddenly incompatible. I haven't blogged in two months because I can't spare the time - and bandwidth - to blog live on blogger and upload photos, which is what everyone wants to see anyway!

The Reeds said...

I just blog on blogger. While in Kaabong I would write everything on Word and have my pictures chosen and wait til we were in the capitol but it was still tedious and my pictures were tiny. So I'm no help to you... Surely there's something similar but I've never used anything like it so I'm no help. Sorry! And yes.. you are so right on the knowing we are not alone. The fellowship of knowing we are not perfect, we are broken and it is not in our own strength. It motivates me for sure to keep humbling myself to my kids. Hard stuff!

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