Before I knew it the curbs disappeared and rain water covered our driveway and made little brown waves when cars dared to venture past.
It was shocking and unexpected.
Yesterday was going well and then... I spun out of control. Raw emotion like kindling waiting to be ignited.
Shocking and unexpected.
I'm tired. So tired and sleep deprived.
At first I tried to pass it all off and the baby slept a bit better at the beginning (they trick you those wee ones). But as time has passed I repeat questions and forget things and can't even remember half of the time what we have named the baby. (Isaac... we named him Isaac...)
I barely shower and as soon as I do I get peed on and thrown up on...
Meanwhile the older children are busy being children.
Taking off their diapers, peeing on the carpet and desperately seeking attention. Touching what they shouldn't, climbing on tables, begging me to play again and again. They're waking up at night, giggling well past dark, and bouncing up full of joy with the sun.
All the while my body is expanded, broken, covered in spit up and exhausted.
Just as the rainwater was high before I even took notice, so too my patience was too short...
I snapped at the children and made both of them cry. I scared them with my anger in my desperation for just. one. little. nap.
And I write it.
I write it here because there is a silence in motherhood that I find deafening and disheartening. When mothers will whisper a desperate "Me too!" when someone confesses how hard their day or season has become because so often we're shocked by our own raw feelings and the shame of not being perfect at motherhood.
Oh mommy friends... you are not alone.
Jacob pauses kindly and listens with concern as I confess this brokenness. I confess my awful mothering and how this season of life manages to be the most beautiful of all while also breaking me down.
I worry about the children and if they will remember any of the good amidst the hard mothering days.
And he reminds me of grace...
Grace for myself and my children.
Grace as a lesson we are teaching them.. that people will all let us down and we are in a constant state of offering grace.
Even to mommies.
Even to ourselves.
I pull my little girl to me and hug her after I've asked for forgiveness for my short temper and unkind words.
In the morning I approach the breakfast table and am greeted with a fresh start.
A simple, "Mommy!" full of joy and with no condemnation.
I am flooded with gratitude for grace...