January 6, 2015

To just not care

I've been silent for far too long.

Striking out and "really" blogging was an interesting move I don't regret. But life is real and doesn't stop.

All of the demands and expectations of writing with intention, purpose, focus, and "something to offer" is truly exhausting. Not to mention adding a watermarked or public domain image and including graphics... utterly exhausting to tell you the truth. But enjoyable. Then there comes life. Today I am 21 weeks pregnant. What?!

Originally I blogged here to connect with far away family. Then, when I realized that my most faithful reader (ME!), loves to reread old posts for recollection purposes, I began to write with my favorite reader in mind (ME). This is a huge "real blogging" no-no.

So starting the "real" blog I had a conflict of motivation and freedom to write.

And it has silenced me.


 But sometimes... You know what?... I just don't care. I want to look back and remember how I shared my big news (what a romantic post this will make).

But I will tell you one thing, I will remember this fed up feeling of being confined by all of the rules. As a teacher, baker and citizen I'm a real crazy rule follower. But as an independent, living my life woman I am NOT. So I'm writing what I want right now with NO image.

The last I had posted on my "real" blog I had joined weight watchers. And found out I was pregnant two days later.

Who wants to count points anyway? ;)

 So here I am at 21 weeks pregnant, half way there, with a little boy to bless our home in May. My hips are exploding as they always are and I'm fighting the urge to mentally and with kindness, punch every woman who says how her hips never hurt and she never felt better than while pregnant. That's great for them, really, but when you feel like a barge in bed trying to roll over and your hips actually feel like they are unhinging... well... the pain is kind of always on your mind.

The girls are thrilled about sharing a room soon and Claire wants to name little brother baby Isaac or baby Jesus. Sophie really has no clue what's happening but when Claire squeals and dances with excitement then Sophie tromps behind her squealing in delight.

And that's life.

 I've been a stay at home mom, no job out side of the home kind of lady for coming on FOUR years.. Can you imagine? I've worked past the awkward first year of feeling pent up, frustrated and unsure and then through the comparing years to follow to figure out how our life works at home.

What is perfect, functional and acceptable for us.

 And funny things have sprung from this heap pile of composting emotions.  

Our marriage is more honest. 

  When we were "single" (married but before kids), I always felt like it was hard to 'relax' at home, like I had to be working, productive or prove myself.

Now I've got relaxation down to an art and I don't care if Jacob sees me on the couch for two straight hours doing nothing.

It sounds small but it took years of excusing myself: "The girls JUST went down!", "I'm so exhausted they were up all night," and he spent years saying, "You don't have to excuse yourself. I NEVER think you're lazy." Until finally, this beautiful blossoming of me not caring and sitting and staring whenever I want occurred.


 It's a beautiful thing.

So that's all from these parts. I'm growing by the day but so are our two sweet girls. We still have our fur critters in the backyard. Our lives are punctuated right now by doctor's visits and the exciting uncertainty of how a new human will substantially and forever change our lives for the better.

Isn't it great to share?

 If there is a reader other than me, then what's worth sharing in your life?


The Kowals said...

I couldn't even finish reading the post. I had to comment - Remember me? Your friend that is always interrupting you?? Yes, yes, yes, amanda. That's right.


I've missed you. Boy have I missed regular blogg'in Georgia. I laughed all the way through most (i still have to finish the rest remember...)of your post.

Welcome back friend!! No lie. The other blog was wonderful but I felt for you. Tons of painful, scheduling, just big work. I'm proud and happy for you. Way to go and quit! Best thing for you, your joy and family. Your "real" self is way more fun to read. So, I'm glad you're back! Sorry for the ridiculously long comment. I think if you are going to spend time writing on your blog you should be your most prominent reader and this is life baby! Literally, your life is babies right now. Write about mama! I like it, i like it a lot.

Your obnoxiously long commenting, interrupting, biggest cheerleader friend,


The Reeds said...

Amanda!!!!! I love you girl. Thanks. I will still post in both likely but with no pressure.

But I'm baaaaackk!

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