October 23, 2012

For Days When You Lose It

Today I lost it.

With a to-do list longer than my shopping list and self expectations set so high the top can't even be seen, I multi-tasked.

I watched as she played in the living room as I tried to run through all I wanted to accomplish.

All the while the laptop glared it's ugly face in mine.

Before I knew it her little hand was there, like a moth to a flame she comes, little chubby fingers curling around the screen.

"Don't touch!" I think as I gently move her hand.

Immediately her hand is back, now with a stronger grip pulling on the laptop lid.

This laptop that will break and be worthless some day, I instinctively lunge to protect...

I move her hand again and again, her action a side note on my list of a long day.

Then something rears in my heart as I see her repeated action not as childish but as disobedient.

And again her chubby hand comes up in defiance and pushes and pulls with all her might.

Words come out, trying to convince her and me as I gently push her away but the gentleness is gone from my heart.

Anger and frustration dwell up and I've lost perspective.

I take her little hand in mine and swat it, Her eyes get big and with more passion she reaches and pulls the lid even while I'm still saying, "Be gentle."

                  All the while gentleness is slipping out of my heart.

And finally I see her lip come out, and tears well up as I hold her hand down.

I lost it.

Patience. Grace. Perspective.

Later in the day I push her in a rickety and squeaky shopping cart as she patiently waits while I look at spray cans and stencils.

She is tired.

She is hungry.

But she waits good naturedly.

Her tiny little curls, just newly formed enough to notice, rest on the side of her cheeks and I stop where I am and bury her in kisses and I love yous... this child I prayed for and hoped for and whose soul is eternal.

And like a burning ember in my heart the memory of the computer screen is back- me losing my patience and disciplining not out of love but out of selfishness.

She accepts my love and I stand in the middle of a crafting aisle and hold her to me, telling her mommy's sorry.

And my heart is redirected and I burn inside for how quickly I can lose myself in selfish anger.

I repent to her but mainly to God.

Oh how shameful this fleshly heart can be...

She is warm and lets me hug her all I need.

Grace. Her simplicity gives me grace and guides me back to the overwhelming grace I would be lost without.

I wince in my heart when I think of the woman I would be without God's forgiveness and grace.

His nailed-to-a-cross-"It-is-finished" kind of grace.

How many ugly words and thoughts he's seen me bring to life.

How many sins and ugly embers he's put out and covered in His grace.

On days like today, when  I lose it... Grace is all that pulls me back together and sets me right.


Ashley Rea said...

Great post! You are human and we all loose it now and then. I have a 15 month old so I definitely understand. Don't be to hard on yourself!

Brandon and April said...

wonderful words. grace is the only thing that can keep us going as parents. so thankful for his unending grace all the time, but especially on those parent-fail moments. thanks for this encouragement!!

kristi said...

We all have those graceless moments. Even after working with kids forever. At times like those, I try to remember that we are all children of God and can act like children very easily.

Jacob Reed said...

Love, you're beautiful in so many ways. What a great post. Thank you for running to Christ at every turn. I love running to Him with you!

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