March 13, 2011

Hi there.

I vacillate.

I vacillate between wanting to write never and giving this whole thing up.

And between wanting to express myself.

Expressing normally wins.

(The irony of that statement in light of me being pregnant is not lost on me).

Tonight my heart was gripped in fear.

For these past few weeks I have felt exceptionally well. My only 'considerations' are my ever healing wounds from surgery. I can't get up like a normal person or even a normal gestating person. But other than that I've been spectacular. I've even started doing too much at school and speed walking through the halls to my destination.

I've felt positively normal.

So spectacular in fact, that I have started taking my health for granted.

Today I will unveil the ugly truth.

I had a donut for breakfast. I didn't buy it, but I sure didn't have to eat it. I did drink a glass of milk for nutritional benefit.

I ate a sandwhich and drank nothing. :( Boo for me. Then I went to a movie and had a massive injection of sugar in the form of a sprite, and gummies...

Over the stress of taxes I ate chips, cookies and barely managed a bean burrito as my only real food. I washed it all down with a funky psychadelic sugary orange juice.

This baby is wired on sugar.

I'm already a horrible mommy and my baby is wired on sugar and probably bouncing around in there, out of control with unbrushed hair, untied shoes, a dirty shirt, and a walkman that is turned up way too loud... 

So when I began to have chest pain I thought little of it. I thought it was my 'due' for eating poorly.

Then I noticed how swollen my right foot was. And that the pain radiated down from my upper right chest to my right abdomen.

I finally went to bed and the pain became excruciating. The pain in my upper right chest that is.

I think I've felt it before in Uganda and got scared and a doctor told me it was acid reflux from an antibiotic I had taken.

Long story short (too late), I had to get up and lurk on the web with an ever building frenzy that something is wrong. The web is the perfect breeding ground for irrationality. You can console me that it's not anything, but after what happened in a January and a few other things that I've thought were "normal" only to see my ob's eyes grow wide and her say, "No... that's not normal.. We'll just see you more often" have led me to be a little worrisome. After appointments with other specialists for a few things that I thought were "just fine" and they firmly said, "No it's not fine" have made me jittery.

Tonight, with this sharp pain, I could take it in my chest (right side, not center like heartburn), but when it went straight down under two of my scars from January I began to feel a spike of panic.

I almost cried as I breathed in and out to God, "Oh please don't let that happen again" as I paced in the kitchen grasping my side and trying to think positive thoughts.

Clasping my swollen abdomen as I paced our kitchen and desperately pleading that everything would just be all right. That everything could be 'fine' and 'normal'.  That this pregnancy would just continue on like all other normal pregnancies. I want to be normal. I promise.

But all I could think of was that pain so many weeks ago.

That pain also started on the right side.. In December I thought it was gas, heartburn, gall bladder, you name it. But it wasn't.

And last night that fear gripped me momentarily. And I prayed. "Oh not again. Not that..."

And I am ashamed for taking my health for granted. Really really ashamed.

And I had a choice as I sat awake in the dark, with only the ticking of the clock, the buzz of the refrigerator and eery blue glow of the oven clock to keep me company. I had the choice to either wait it out in silence, like I did many nights in December, clenching my side in agony, or to actually blog it.

To take it and throw it out like casting a line.

I don't want to be judged. To be the 'difficult' woman with the aches and ailments.

But I also want to remember.

I want a record. More for me than anything else.

So at long last, as the minute arm slips even further down the side of the clock, I finally throw my arm back and in one motion release my line, hook and sinker- to share my thoughts again.

Expecting nothing in return.

Just to vent.

1 comment:

Jennifer Mykytiuk said...

Praying for protection, healing, comfort, peace.
Love you!

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