March 1, 2009

Ordinary

I surprised Daisy this morning with an early morning walk before Church. She was ecstatic.
And oh so very brave.
Can you tell we're proud of her?
Sometimes I'm torn about this blog. Is it a forum and avenue just to share random silliness? Is it just to keep people updated? Or do I share my heart?
As of late my heart is broken. For so many reasons. There are good days and there are struggles. I don't know if anyone has walked this road exactly like we have, and even my walk is entirely different in many ways than Jacob's. I'm always on the cusp of crying and being broken before the Lord. Church is always a dangerous place for crying for me as of late (as in.. oh... since May). I think it all boils down to suffering. For me this has been a great weight to grapple with. We were willing to be in harm's way. But was I really willing to die for Christ? A slow daily death of turning from myself and my needs? It's a hard balance for me to strike. Budgeting in a new camera while weighing in on the cost of discipleship. I know my walk is my own. I know I need healing.

While in kb I was in many regards calloused and numb to make it along. I submersed myself in scripture and joyed in each moment with the Lord. Coming home the callouses seemed to be ripped off and I became a sobbing raw little mess. One look in the Lord's direction brings me to my knees. I know that: "He's still working on me". I know there is hope and joy in the Lord. But my last journey and growth with Him have been learning a new side and a new angle. Learning to joy in suffering with Him, and dealing with guilt of not suffering. This is my heart. Broken and open. I always take comfort in this song by Mercy Me based on a Psalm:

"You have searched me and you know me. Familiar with all my ways..."
I always take comfort in Him at the end of the day.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey sweet sister. I never know quite what to say to make things better. But know that you are not alone...that you are loved...that you are being lifted up.
~Abby

Jennifer Mykytiuk said...

I can relate to the crying everytime you get before God. Michelle and I were talking about this before she moved away. There was so much I was dealing with, and she was dealing with (I am still dealing with) that you put a mask on or suppress it to get through the day. But when you come into God's presence, it comes to the surface. We would joke that we would be okay as long as we avoid church services. Hang in there. It will get better. I wish I could be near you! I miss your smile and contagious personality!

miker said...

I know this blog was written weeks ago, but I'm just getting to it today. ;) Love you, Georgie! And always remember, God cares for the Reeds, especially our beloved Georgie!

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