July 24, 2008

Honestly- Behind our walls

This adjustment thing has taken a bit more out of us immediately than we expected, and I still don't know how far the repercussions and waves will reach.

I have a confession to make.. yet again..

I get sad in church because I think of groups meeting or no longer meeting under little trees, with rumbling bellies and sideways glances for the army.

I get really really sad when we share about the work.. I get sad seeing faces we've left behind.. Realy sad. I'm sad that it's almost impossible to keep up with them and that we've "abandoned" them.

Apparently kitty kitty lost an eye. And while our pets were tactile ways we could love on and be loved in Kaabong, I know that she's just an animal and that it's just a reminder that life is harsh there, for our animals and for our friends.. And that, of course, makes me sad.

One of my favorite things about our house is the huge pantry. It's great. Yet we have shelves and shelves of empty space, and the knowledge that eating is a hobby makes me feel guilty. The knowledge that we can fill those shelves quickly and effortlessly makes me feel horrible.

So we've discussed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is a serious peroblem that we most obviously do not have. However, there are things we've both done- mainly emotional- that are so odd and unique, as far as we know, to ourselves, that we stop and wonder. Remember my first month back? I was seriously crying at dead birds, road kill, wondering dogs.. you name it and it sent me into tears that rendered me useless for the day. Yet in Kaabong we were daily calloused- how else would you survive? Then we're surrounded by people we're like, that we longed for, and that we love, and yet we feel so overwhelmed that we want to hide and be alone a lot.. We both long to hide in the country.. how weird is THAT?

We've been back for 2 1/2 months and have come along way. Just thought I would share what's really going on in our world.

2 comments:

Martha Schmidt said...

You never stop thinking about Karamoja days and life. You will always see the world through different eyes. No one else seems to understand...but I do!

Anonymous said...

Toby's master, the large mazoongoo whom loves you both. Yes, martha is right, different eyes to see the world are not all bad though. We learn we must live in the present time and in the space we occupy at the present time.

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