May 29, 2008

Meteor Ammended

For almost a decade, I've been coming home to the States at least once a year for a visit. These visits have been wonderful and full of great times with friends and fam. I expected our first year back to be a challenge simply because it is a big transition- and as we all know, the first year anywhere is always a bit tough.

But I never counted on this.

I feel like a meteor reentering Earth's atmosphere and I'm being torn apart bit by bit. As though the atmoshere itself is saying, "You don't belong here".

I know that regardless of assimilation, I was always an outsider in Prague. I was definitely an outsider in Kaabong. And in each place you long for the comfort of home. But to return home and feel like you don't fit in? Is awful.

As a Christian, it is foundational that this world is not our home, once we accept Christ we are constantly being transformed and don't 'belong' to this world anymore. We should think differently, act differently and long for different things than this world has to offer.

I have never felt this so truly until these past few days.

While trying to adjust to home and struggle for good work and fit in- we've already settled in to: which appliances do we buy? What year make or car model do we buy? 15 or 30 year home loan? And of course the rage is the 'out of control gas prices'.

And we've walked away from friends who will be blessed to make it to age 40, who go to sleep with the fear of raiders in the night and who struggle to survive.

I guess all of that culminated when I was driving down a main highway in this city and saw a little dog running full bore toward traffic. I pulled over and got out to try and help it; it darted away, and got hit by a car. As it lay writhing, eyes bulging from fear because of the pain and fear of strangers, I just felt like I had hit rock bottom. I cried the rest of the day. Crying as in, "I can't function" crying.

As Jacob and I talked that evening it came together in my mind. I feel so helpless. I felt helpless in Kaabong to stop bad things happening to good people. And this little corgie dog somehow embodied our friends who stay in harms way while we've come to a 'safe place'. As the car that hit him sped away, and traffic picked back up its crazy lunch time speed, I stood on the side of the road with a few other concerned people, as we watched this scared and hurting little animal who was hurt by something he had no control over and could never understand. I saw in him all of the helpless people we know who will surely suffer and I felt a fresh wave of that helplessness.

And the traffic speeding on, life carrying on at an absurd pace made me even more sad. We've re-entered a 'reality' that really can't understand or connect to the harsh life so many deal with. To death that comes too quickly. And in that inability to understand we speed on.

Caring about mortgages, cars, hairdos, and 'fitting in'.

Not that these things in and of themselves are bad... They're just a world away. And like a meteor I feel like reentry is breaking off little pieces of me and I don't quite know where I belong.

I know some of you who read this blog live abroad or have lived abroad, some in the same circusmtances as Kaabong. How did you feel?


Robin said...

I can't even imagine what you're going through, or have yet to go through during this phase of your life. But what I do know is that you are one of the most caring, compassionate, empathetic and tenacious people I've ever known. And a heart like yours is bound to be broken, if only because it can't feel enough or as much as it longs to feel for others. I'm sorry that your heart aches right now, but it's only because you are such a special soul that God knows you are strong enough to withstand the turmoil, to mold it and change it into something positive, and to use it one day to your advantage, to make our world a warmer, happier, better place.

Merissa said...

Georgia, that was so beautifully written. I've never been through the things you have been through and are going through now but I know that in time God will help you feel "at home" in Him. I still struggle daily and I only moved 3 1/2 hrs from home and it's been 1 yr and 1/2 now. I think Jesus is trying to teach me that my only "real" home is in Him and the relationship I have with Him. Even though I know He is way better than anything on this earth, I'm still lonely and my heart still hurts. I'm praying for you!

Lew and Brandi Johnson said...

Oh Georgia, i sit in this country you have just left, listening to the blaring music across the street and piki piki's flying by at break neck speed, and i cry for you. you are a dear and loved friend and it skins my heart to know how difficult your re-entry has been. i wish i could offer some wonderful and wise proclamation that will help you hold your pieces together, but i fail. i could remind you off all our mzungu go home conversations but i think even those fall horribly short. i think robin is right in that your heart is so big yet lacks the space to care as much as you desire. i'm sorry you had to be a part of the corgie. that would have sent me over the edge as well. and yet Jesus waits just over that lip with His arms open wide waiting to catch us as we free fall uncontrollably. He takes our hand and says this too I will bear for you. take heart dearest friend, you WILL NOT feel like this forever! and besides, the meteors that dissintegrate upon entry into the atmosphere do not harbor the Lord in their core. you friend, do. and that will make all the difference when you finally come to land in your new home. we love you!

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