October 13, 2007

A girl's perspective

[Bear with me. A little tangent of "girl time"- all emotion- all irrational- but all real.]
We have been having a discussion about how random the emotions of a woman can seem to be.. Okay.. How random MY emotions can seem to be. So this little entry is just from 'me'. And it has nothing (or at least not everything) to do with Africa and Karajoma etc.

I write poems in my journal. Sometimes they rhyme, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they make sense- but mainly not. Even when they're vague- I can read them years down the road and know exactly where I was at that point. How I was feeling. What I was hoping.

One of my greatest struggles has been missing my friends. The struggle of making friends, cultivating that new relationship, and then moving away. How sad... To miss that one distinct flower, color, fragrance of that dear friendship. When I was the only 'mzungu' woman in Kaabong I felt it very distinctly. Having so very little in common with any female around me, and so little contact with the outside world, brought my struggle to light even more. I felt 'lost at sea' without my friends there to define me. I felt to be in a desert, devoid of growth and life. (I realize this sounds very shallow). Who was I? How did people, who couldn't understand me, see me as? So I wrote this poem- though odd- it captured my feelings of those first ten months of feeling isolation and maybe you can somehow identify.

The day I journalled this poem- I also did my Bible reading after and what I read touched my heart, my breath caught in my throat and I was enamored all over again with HIM. How good is our God?... How faithful in the tiniest of circumstances when we aren't even looking for His kind touch.. This is what I read:

"The LORD, my God, lights up my darkness... who but our God is a solid rock?" -Psalm 18:28b;31b

He knows my darkness and He LIGHTS it up. He is my solid, my steady, my faithful. My hope. My anchor! My Lord! He can be nothing but. God is our firm foundation. You can know it, read it, believe it til the sun goes down- but to experience it- feel that it has 'settled' in your being and your bones... And to KNOW that He alone is your identity, your hope and your strength.. That's a wonderful feeling.

by Georgia Reed
Who am I in a different place?
Same "me" hands; same "me" face.
Who am I when circumstances swirl?
Same "me" heart; same "me" girl.
Who am I when society is bereft
To alter and explain unfaltering death?
Same "me" body; same "me" smile
Same "me" laughter; same "me" child.
Who am I when hope runs down?
Same "me" silence; same "me" frown.
Who am I when I ask "Why?"?
Same "me" thoughts; Same "me" cry.
Who are You when I cry out when I give up?
Before and after, forever the same-
Thank God I lean on Your Holy Name!

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