August 1, 2015

As of Late..

This summer has flown by!

In the last few weeks the girls both got sick...
Claire danced her little happy heart out at a wedding and kept asking for cake (the apple doesn't fall far...) and we celebrated 2 months with Isaac.

We've had friends visit, play dates, and had our first ever garage sale where we rung in $113... So maybe next time we should use a location in town. ;)

 This last month we also celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary... So many changes (not to mention to my body!) but boy has it been worth it.
I just wanted to check in.

What have you been up to?

July 13, 2015

#1 is 4 years old!

4 years old... I can hardly believe it! I so often see glimpses of the young lady she is becoming.
Perfect picture.. she sleeps with her toys like this every single night and doesn't like for them to be touched.

Sweet big sister! She and Sophie are great together and with Isaac.

Some quick details:
-41 inches tall
-34 pounds
-quite the little momma and a little teacher.. always.
-excessively bright and verbal

I love you so much sweet girl!

July 11, 2015

#3 at 2 months

Isaac is 2 months old!

Some quick details.

-he is very calm
-he startles easily and is sensitive to sound
-12 lbs 12 oz
-too big for some 3 month clothes (what?!)
-saves almost all of his smiles and coos for daddy... it's precious!

We love him so much and I'm trying to soak in all of the baby snuggles...  His first year is flying by!

July 8, 2015

Anniversary #9

On this day nine years ago I had a beautiful white dress hanging on the back of a door I couldn't wait to put on.

On this day nine years ago people I treasured loaded up, packed bags, lugged children across miles and miles to a tiny town in Texas.

On this day nine years ago we stood on glazed stones in a long church hallway with sun streaming through sun lights as we hugged the necks of so many dear friends and family. Many of those sweet people are no longer with us.

Nine years ago today we ran out of the church exuberantly as friends and family tossed bird seed. It was like the beginning of a wonderful romance/adventure novel and the end of so many other chapters.

Nine years ago today.

Happy anniversary to my partner in it all.

July 7, 2015

#2 Turns 2: Sophie's birthday

Sophie is 2.

For one week I can say I have a 2 month old, a 3 year old and a 2 year old.
You have had this bandaid on for a week now. Up until now you had been too scared to have  bandaid on but when this mosquito bite swole up you panicked and won't let us take this bandaid off.
 Sophie you are a joy.

You like things to be in their place. You like order, structure and being useful.

When baby brother cries you look like you are physically pained. Every single time.

You sleep with your puppy, O the Owl and Olaf the snowman. You love to sleep and take great naps but currently you get so giddy about playing with Claire that you jump all over your crib, chew the sides, undress and slap your stomach and take off your diaper all while trying to climb out.

You are a happy girl. you love to smile, giggle and generally exude joy. Even when you're getting in trouble...

You love to copy big sister and you both play together wonderfully until you feel threatened. Then you pinch, bite and push.

You love black beans and you drink a lot. You eat s.l.o.w.l.y.

You have recently had a language explosion and you like to sing "e- i-ooo!" (Let it go) over and over again.

This last weekend we turned your car seat forward facing and you moved to the back with sister.

You are mechanically minded and can work almost any button, lock or switch.

We really love you sweet girl and can't wait to see the woman you grow into.

You got some lock/puzzles (brilliant for long car rides by the way since the pieces don't come off). You also got several books like Little Blue Truck, Pout Pout Fish, Are You My Mother?, Push Here and Doggies.

We were at the family reunion in Brownwood for your birthday and they surprised you (and us!) with a beautiful cake for you, cousin Troy and Karen and Earl's anniversary. Everyone sang and you tried to put your finger in the cake.

Everyone was taking pictures and I was telling you and Claire to back up and the next thing I knew Claire's face was BURIED in the beautiful cake!

Apparently my aunt Susie said to you that you could get a lick because your finger was hovering by the cake. And... Claire took that "lick" literally.

Needless to say no one got a piece of cake after a nose had been buried in the middle of it. ;)

July 1, 2015

Baby 3 at 7 weeks or "Struggle- bus! Party of 5!"

Struggle-bus party of 5!

This has been a hard two weeks.

Crying peaked, fussiness peaked, not sleeping anywhere peaked.

When Claire was 5 weeks she was cooing, smiling and socially interacting.

When Sophie was about 8 weeks I remember talking about how things were not so much fun... Even though I had just blogged how she was such an easy baby at 5 weeks (and she was seriously easy). Still.. at the end of the day "babies be babies" right?

When Claire was almost 2 months I wanted to remember the good so I posted because she mainly screamed non stop. At exactly 2 months I posted how it was really hard.

So sweet Isaac you smile but it's far and few between. You are, I'm thinking, a "grumpy" baby by the Baby Whisperer standards.

You startle easily, are sensitive to noise, you don't like being touched too much and you're not overly expressive.

I would think this is absurd to say about a baby but number 1 was already super social and expressive by 2 months (true story). Number 2 was already seriously easy and laid back by 2 months. And you are.. YOU! You are sweet, quiet and observant but also a little easily made unhappy.

I think you will like tender touches, kind words etc. It's crazy but already you like words of affirmation. I know it sounds crazy but mark my words. You're not so big on touch or time but kind, gentle words work wonders.

Sophie is 2 in 2 days and boy.. She's climbing out of her crib, saying "NO" to everything, ignoring us, and taking off her diaper constantly (and peeing in her bed). Mainly Sophie LOVES "bay bu" (baby brother) and panics when he cries or she sees his paci anywhere but his mouth. She constantly tries to cover him with a blanket and she's only satisfied when he is clearly happy, with a paci in his mouth and a blanket on him.

She has recently had a language explosion (I think PDO in June helped), and I finally caved and we put her in panties this week.

She always imitates her sister and her love language is physical touch. She's a cuddler.

Claire is almost 4! She is a big big girl. She acts just like a mom in some ways and dad in others. She is hyper, silly, expressive and intuitive. But she is also responsible, shy, a perfectionist and has a strong sense of "ought".  She is practicing some major attitude but mostly is obedient, kind and helpful. Her emotions get away from her. Her love language is entirely quality time (like mommy).

June 18, 2015


My grandmother had nine children, the last of which was born in 1948.

She mothered and raised and shh'd and rocked through decades of hard living.

Birthing eight of those children on a farm far from help, in a time with no cell phones or biscuit tins, much less microwaves.

By the time I was old enough to know her, "she" was slipping away. Wisps of the woman she once was.

We lived with her as live-in help through my high school years and I sat beside her as she rocked a baby doll and hummed.

I held her fragile and light hand as we stared out the window. I marveled at who she was and all she had seen.

She has been gone a while now but I feel connected to her in mothering.

In carrying a child, birthing and all of the mysteries and initiation that come with it.

And motherhood... The journey that it is. The words no one speaks and the secrets no one tells.

I would have loved to have really leaned into her knowledge, learned from her faith and gentleness... How ever did you do it? The further I get on my journey the more I marvel at hers.

June 16, 2015

Flash Floods and Grace

Today I nursed and held a little squishy bundle of boy until at last he slept soundly.

I cleaned and barely noticed the grey skies then the torrential rain.

Before I knew it the curbs disappeared and rain water covered our driveway and made little brown waves when cars dared to venture past.

It was shocking and unexpected.

Yesterday was going well and then... I spun out of control. Raw emotion like kindling waiting to be ignited.

Shocking and unexpected.

I'm tired. So tired and sleep deprived.

At first I tried to pass it all off and the baby slept a bit better at the beginning (they trick you those wee ones). But as time has passed I repeat questions and forget things and can't even remember half of the time what we have named the baby. (Isaac... we named him Isaac...)

I barely shower and as soon as I do I get peed on and thrown up on...

Meanwhile the older children are busy being children.

Taking off their diapers, peeing on the carpet and desperately seeking attention. Touching what they shouldn't, climbing on tables, begging me to play again and again. They're waking up at night, giggling well past dark, and bouncing up full of joy with the sun.

All the while my body is expanded, broken, covered in spit up and exhausted.

Just as the rainwater was high before I even took notice, so too my patience was too short...

I snapped at the children and made both of them cry. I scared them with my anger in my desperation for just. one. little. nap.

And I write it.

I write it here because there is a silence in motherhood that I find deafening and disheartening. When mothers will whisper a desperate "Me too!" when someone confesses how hard their day or season has become because so often we're shocked by our own raw feelings and the shame of not being perfect at motherhood.

Oh mommy friends... you are not alone.

Jacob pauses kindly and listens with concern as I confess this brokenness. I confess my awful mothering and how this season of life manages to be the most beautiful of all while also breaking me down.

I worry about the children and if they will remember any of the good amidst the hard mothering days.

And he reminds me of grace...

Grace for myself and my children.

Grace as a lesson we are teaching them.. that people will all let us down and we are in a constant state of offering grace.

Even to mommies.

Even to ourselves.

I pull my little girl to me and hug her after I've asked for forgiveness for my short temper and unkind words.

In the morning I approach the breakfast table and am greeted with a fresh start.

A simple, "Mommy!" full of joy and with no condemnation.

I am flooded with gratitude for grace...

June 12, 2015

1 Month Old Isaac

Just popping in to share a quick update on baby Isaac. He is one month (yesterday) and as sweet as ever.

His acid reflux is a force to be reckoned with and keeps us on our toes (and me up all night) which is another story.

Today I took all 3 kiddos to Toys R Us for the first time and it was just as overwhelming and depressing as I could have imagined. Too many options for too much money. 

I fed baby Isaac about an hour before we left, held him up for 30 minutes after and wore him for about 20 minutes after that while I got the girls ready.

We left and picked up some food and had a "picnic" in the minivan in the parking lot. Classy..I know.

We shopped and he woke up and began to cry but I assume he was hot. When I was loading them back in the van I heard the "roar" of him "spitting up". Milk etc. out of his nose and mouth and his little face in such pain.

He covered his new car seat, his clothes, his hair.. It just shoots EVERYWHERE. This was much more than an hour after eating and he was choking on it. It's so sad! He has been on Zantac for over 2 weeks now and here we are...

All that to say, we initiated our "new to us" van with the smell of old chicken nuggets and spit up all in one fell swoop. Gross.

He is 10 lbs 15 oz despite spitting up crazy amounts after almost every feeding.

The girls love him and coo and kiss him all of the time.

He is awake more and more and just looks around. He only fusses after he eats when his tummy hurts.

He makes very little noise other than the after meal fusses.

He sleeps in the rock-n-play right now or on his side beside me. Otherwise he will sleep on his side in his crib but I'm always nearby in case he spits up and starts to choke.

He is in size 1 diapers and his long little feet are too long for 0-3 month jammies already(!). That seems to have happened over night. Otherwise we are in 0-3 month clothes and have given all of our newborn clothes away.

It's going quickly!

We are in that stage of parenting where I know this will all pass quickly. Sweet Isaac keeps me up a lot at night because I can't just lay him down after feedings and he is in such pain after eating but even with that it is of course all worth it.

I feel like my instagram feed shows what our life is like in this season...

June 6, 2015

Who They Want Me To Be

Being pregnant is hard. It's hard on mommy, daddy and the kiddos.

Then having a new human is hard. It's hard on mommy, daddy and kiddos.

So behavior has been haywire.

Driving down the road I thought to myself how "all" I want is for them to be patient, kind, cuddly, obedient (immediately), sweet, loving, and cute.

 Is that too much to ask?!

How ridiculous that sounds!!

So I thought to myself, what do they want ME to be?

I'm sure little children just want their mommy to be:
  • fun
  • patient
  • kind
  • available
  • cuddly
  • loving
  • willing to play (immediately)

Of course I can't be those things!! 

And so of course... they can't be all of those things either...

I need them to be patient and realize that mommy isn't always available to listen to every story, cuddle, play.

In the same way I need to have grace for them as little tiny people who also aren't always "on their game" or perfect.

I needed that reminder!
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